What it feels like when you fear depression will come back

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 18-years-old, a very tender age to experience such a debilitating disease. And yes, I do refer to depression as a disease, because that is exactly what it is. An all consuming, exhausting, confusing, and deadly, disease.

At the very beginning of it all, at least from what I remember, it was so bad that I was hospitalized multiple times and was completely immobilized as a person. I spent most of my time in bed because that’s all I had the energy to do, and my thoughts were filled with debilitating fear, constant negativity, and also, suicidal thoughts. This was nearly 10 years ago and since then, I have been pretty stable. But recently, I had an incident that reminded me that even though we may be doing well, sometimes it can feel like depression and anxiety lurks in the corner just waiting for us in our most vulnerable moments.

Recently, I experienced some anxiety and decided to increase the dosage of my medication. Things overall in my life were fine and I had just gotten a new job. If you are like me and take medication for your mental health, you’d know that sometimes an increase in dosage is necessary for us to function at our optimal best.

But I noticed that increasing my dose caused me to become more quiet, less focused, tired, and overall feeling off mentally. And I couldn’t help but remember how it felt when I was severely depressed and not in control of my emotions. That feeling like you are trying to catch up to what your body is doing. Overall, a feeling of no control is the worst fear for someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, because you can’t turn off a switch to what you are feeling, but instead you just have to adjust and ride the waves until hopefully you feel like yourself again and this feeling of not being in control, is terrifying.

Noticing that my feelings weren’t improving, I recently went back to the dose that I always take and instead of feeling better right away, I now have to let my body adjust to going back to a previous dose, plus deal with the side effects of the increase in medication.

Not only is it uncomfortable to feel out of sorts mentally, but I also have to deal with the possible side effects of this all being noticeable to others around me. I’m afraid to leave my house because I don’t want others to notice that I may be spaced out or struggle to focus. I also now struggle to do little things like shower and get through the day because of my lack of motivation. I also most likely will have to quit the job I just got because I am not in the right mental space to do the job.

I say all of this to say that for those of us who struggle with depression and anxiety, our worst fear is going back to a place where we mentally have no control. We dread explaining how we feel to others because when you struggle with depression and anxiety, there is no explanation to how you really feel. We fear others seeing us in a state that society doesn’t deem as “normal.” We fear this illness so greatly because once it makes an entrance in our lives, things like being sociable, having a job, going to school, and just functioning like a normal adult are things that become extremely difficult to do.

So if you are struggling with your mental health today, please know that sometimes accomplishments don’t always have to be tied to success but can be based on how you are taking care of you. Just showering, feeding yourself, taking your medication, seeing your doctor, and doing all that you need to do to stay well, are accomplishments even if no one else around you commends you for this.

Living with depression and anxiety will have its ups and downs and sometimes you may hit a bump in the road even after a long period of doing well. But if there is anything you must remember, you are incredibly strong for fighting to exist like everyone else while battling something that wants to rob you of a good life. Most importantly, please remember that you existing is always enough. #mentalhealth #mentalhealthblog #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery